wow

It's been a very long time since I wrote on here. I guess you could say almost everything has changed. I'm starting college in the fall of 2011. After a lot of thinking, I decided to go New World College of the Arts, here in Miami. It was a hard choice. I was a second away from choosing to go to Cornish in Seattle, live with my uncle on Capital Hill.But, decided NWSA was the way to go. I don't think my mood has really changed. Of course, I'm elated to be getting out of high school and making my way to college, but at the same time, since I'll be staying in Miami, I'm afraid I'll still be stuck in the house with my family. I'll be getting a job in the summer and I'm learning how to drive now. Soon, I'm hoping of getting a car, a place with my friends downtown and some independence. But besides college and graduating, not much has changed. I'll still always be the girl in love with the boy I'll never have and the girl with daddy issues and the girl that overly stresses almost everything in her life. It does hurt going off to college with her. My mom. I guess I never thought of going this far without her. It's been a year now since she died and I feel like her funeral was just the other day. She left me a heartache and an ocean full of problems that I have no idea how to solve. Like problems of selling the house, paying for college, keeping the family together...things an 18 year old should not have to worry about. oh yeah, I turned 18. Nothing is really different except now I can buy my own Pall Malls.
  • Current Music
    Lou Reed

(no subject)

You have a nice new Blackberry
But no one to call on it.

You have the manicured nails
But no one to hold hands with.

You have the vanilla lip gloss
But no one to kiss

You have the new pair of heels
But no where to go out in them

You have the perfect song
But no one with sing along with

You have a broken heart
But no one to kiss the tears away.

Been wearing the same PJ's for 2 days in a row

I remember thinking after they told me she was gone,
no she can't be gone.
I still need her.
Why was she taken away from me.
I wonder what she was thinking about when she passed.
I hope she wasn't scared.
There are so many unfinished things.
But the guilt is the worst.
End up regretting every fight,
every mean thought,
everything.
But things aren't getting better.
Landlord wants us out,
No money,
It's tough and I want out so badly.
  • Current Music
    Shout Out Louds

Nights like this.

I guess it's nights like this that I miss her the most.
Instead of sitting here alone I feel like she should be right here on the couch with me,
watching movies and talking.
I miss the talking the most..
I've got too many worries for a 17 year old.
Lets hope by 18 I'm not having a heart attack.

Update.

Just got back from working yesterday.
Of course the house is crazy.
We really have no money except me.
But that's going to change soon because business is slow and I don't think they'll be needing me anymore.
I'm going to Naples for a week.
I leave Saturday and come back the following Saturday.
I'm staying with Jenna who I haven't seen since my mom's funeral.
I can't wait. I miss her so much.
And the following week Isabel said we might be going to Seattle to visit my Uncle.
But I highly doubt that is going to happen...but we'll see.
We went to a show last week.
It was awesome.
It was at a crusty smoky pub.
The crowd was intense for Jacuzzi Boys.
I loved every moment of it.

home?

I don't really know what's keeping me here anymore without her here. I got a job so I'm not even really home 3 days outta the week. The rest of the week I go out with friends and sleepover at other friend's houses. I've been here one night and I'm already itching to get out. I guess the reason I haven't wrote in awhile is because nothing has really happened. WeLl that and my MacBook broke too and I don't have the cash to buy I new one. I'm now a senior. We're on summer break now though. I think my family and I are going to Seattle in August to visit my uncle. I'm gonna talk to him and ask if I went to school there that maybe him and I could be roommates. So we'll see how all that goes. I can't wait to get out of here. I really can't wait.

(no subject)

I wanna climb up to every roof top.
I wanna bike every bridge.
I wanna scream at every show.
I wanna dance like no ones watching.
I wanna live like a nomad.
I wanna feel love so strong, it hurts.
I wanna swim with a whale.
I wanna kiss on a balcony in Paris.
I wanna feel the Earth spin.
I wanna see the darkest dark.
I wanna see the brightest light.
I wanna...

What do I say at a time like this?

 I don't really like how everyone is "keeping an eye on me". Making sure I'm "okay". Whatever. It's easy to trick them. I like the times right before I go to bed when I'm just listening to music, and it's a Friday night, and I don't have to wake up early the next day. All I have to do is relax and listen to music. Or the times I'm walking in the Grove before getting picked up. And I'm just sitting outside the bookstore alone. Reading or listening to music. 
I went to New York City for about 4 days. I swear to god I almost cried the day we had to leave. Worst plane flight home. ha. Wish mom could have been there.  It was bitter sweet. The streets, the smells, the energy, the everything about New York City. It's what I want. 
Almost done with school. It's so hard to believe. I am not ready to be a senior. I have no idea what the rest of my life will be. It's exciting and scary all at the same time. I wanna feel again though. And not pain. I wanna feel things I've never felt before. I wanna know what a real rush is. 
Soon hopefully, soon.
 

Only $220.

 I got a letter from The Social Security Administration saying I'm gonna be getting $820 a month now. Sounds like a good amount? Nope. I still have to pay for the mortgage in Naples which is $600. That leaves me $220 bucks for a whole month. That's just enough for food and maybe a movie. I thought I was gonna get more. I don't wanna get stuck here. My mom left me with debt, not money. How the fuck am I going to go to college? My grades are okay. I'm sure I could get some kind of scholarship..I don't wanna get stuck here like my cousins. Crystal has no job. No future. She gets excited getting a $20 check for her birthday and makes a whole list of things she's gonna do with the twenty and talks to her cats. Kat fails most of her classes in college and has to smoke pot everyday to function. I don't know what I'm gonna do. My father barely sees me, even when he only lived two hours away and he never even throws 20 bucks at me. Even if I go through college, what will I do after. I don't know. I haven't even gotten on the ball of getting my license. I'm so afraid, I don't wanna be a failure. I really really don't.

(no subject)

 Looking through some old texts.
Some were from my mom when I was in Lake Placid with my dad.
Telling me to bundle up cause it was in the 40s in Orlando.
And telling me to Have Fun.
Another one was from a few weeks ago,
telling me to call when I was ready to be picked up.